“I hated him because he had come into my life with such cunning seduction that I was swept off my feet. He scouted my reservoirs, tore down my walls. I had no other choice at that point but to fall in love. And then he exited without warning and reason, providing no justification, compensation, or consolation for the rips and tears in my heart. And I hated myself because not only did I allow this to happen, but I begged him back for more. My esteem hit the toilet and floated there for a while, forcing me in front of mirror painfully picking apart my blackness.” -Darnella Ford “Gift Wrapped in Chains” [Excerpt from Crave]
when i read this, i got chills. i was so uncomfortable with all the emotions that were stirred that i literally had to step away from the book. i put it down, walked out the room, and mentally tried to escape all the thoughts and memories that came back to me. i don’t know how else to reiterate that this shit hit me. i was these words. i can completely relate to this feeling. it never occurred to me that anyone person could feel so exactly and if they did, it never occurred to me that they would say it so…right. i hate being reminded of my own stupidity. i hate thinking that i allowed someone else to consume me and then walk away without offering an honest piece of themselves. knowing that someone else can so poetically write about the same emotions reminds me that heartbreak is universal. the book eventually reached its end with the kind of strength and determination that follows walking through pain and finding yourself on the other side. i can respect that. but i can guarantee that if the story went on it would show that those rips never quite healed the same way. for me, the rips are reminders of more than a few things, an appreciation that will span much longer than the lifetime of what we had.
asshole.
(originally posted on myspace, feb. 28, 2009….and here it is, jan. 1, 2012…same feeling, different guy. hurray for love…but not really)
